The Page Of Puns|The Pun Starts Here! He he he!

One day a poppa dog had the job of looking after his young puppy while mommy went off shopping. He had his heart set on going to the dog show that day so asked his young son if he would like to go along. Of course that sounded exciting to the little puppy so he agreed.

While there the poppa dog entered himself in the show. Lo and behold, he came away with the blue ribbon for ‘best of show’. On the way home he suggested to his son that they stop by the local pub to celebrate with a beer or two. The puppy drank sodas while his father had several beers.

When they got home poppa realized that they had left the ribbon on the bar.

The puppy said, “You’ve had enough to drink already, Pop. I’ll run back for it.”

When he climbed up onto the bar stool the bartender asked, “What’ll you have young man?”

The puppy replied, “I’ll have Pap’s Blue Ribbon, please!”

So this woman walks into a bar accompanied by a dog and a cow. The bartender says, “Hey, no animals are allowed in here.”

The woman replies, “These are very special animals.”

“How so?”

“They’re knot theorists.”

The bartender raises his eyebrows and says, “I’ve met a number of knot theorists who I thought were animals, but never an animal that was a knot theorist.”

“Well, I’ll prove it to you. Ask them them anything you like.”

So the bartender asks the dog, “Name a knot invariant.”

“Arf, arf” barks the dog.

The bartender scowls and turns to the cow asking, “Name a topological invariant.”

The cow says, “Mu, mu.”

At this point the bartender turns to the woman, says, “Just what are you trying to pull” and throws them out of the bar.

Outside, the dog turns to the woman and asks, “Do you think I should have said the Jones polynomial?”

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a beer?” The bartender replies, “For you, no charge.”

So this doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazlenut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!”

“No, I’m sorry”, replied the bartender,”it’s a hickory daiquiri, doc.”

So this guy walks into a bar with his 10 foot tall giraffe. Despite the strange stares from the other bar occupants, they proceed to drink themselves silly. After about a dozen drinks, the giraffe stands up and then keels over. At this his companion stands up as well, settles his bar bill and starts to walk out of the bar. The bartender shouts, “Hey idiot, you can’t leave that lyin’ here!”

But the man replies, “You’re the idiot, that’s a giraffe, not a lion!”

So this bear walks into a bar and sits down at the bar to survey the scene. There’s a rather good looking woman at the end of the bar, a couple of typical drunks in the corner, and a rather somber bartender behind the bar.

The bear says to the bartender, “May I please have a beer.”

The bartender says, “I’m very sorry, but I don’t serve bears beers in this here bar.”

The bear responds, “But, that’s discrimination! I want a beer!”

The bartender once again intones, “I don’t really care what it is, I do not serve bears beers in this here bar.”

So the bear looks around again and his gaze lingers on the woman at the end of the bar. He turns to the bartender and says, “If you don’t give me a beer, I’m going to eat that customer of yours down there.”

The bartender replies, “It doesn’t matter what you do, I do not serve bears beers in this here bar.”

So, the bear saunters over to the end of the bar and eats the woman in three huge bites. Satisfied with his snack, he returns to the bartender and says, “So, what do you say! Will you give me a beer now?”

The bartender looks at the bear and says, “Well, I don’t serve bears beers in this here bar, and I most certainly do not serve drug addicts!”

The bear looks in disbelief and exclaims, “What are you talking about?”

The bartender replies, “That was a Bar-Bitch-You-Ate.”

So this guy Ralph walks into a bar and sits down to have a drink. There’s only one other person sitting at the bar and he’s way down at the other end of the room slouched over his table.

Ralph orders a drink and as he tilts his head back to imbibe the first cold one of the day he hears a very, very tiny voice say “Hey, nice tie!” Ralph sits down the drink with great speed and looks around the room. Bartender at one end washing glasses and the drunk sitting way over in the corner passed out.

Ralph shakes his head, chuckles at what just happened and writes it off as his mind just being over worked and under fed! As he lifts his mug of beer for his now much needed thirst quencher he hears “Hey buddy, that’s a fantastic button-down shirt in a very attractive broad cloth material” Now Ralph thinks the bartender must be putting him on by being a ventrilaquist. He calls the bartender over to challenge him. “Hey Yourself”, Ralph said. “Who said those things to me while I was trying to take a drink?” The bartender replied, “Look in front of you…..in the bowl on the bar……those are just complimentary peanuts!”

So this string walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says, “We don’t serve strings here.”

The string goes outside, ties himself up, roughs up his head and goes back in the bar and orders a drink. The bartender says “Hey, aren’t you the same string who was just in here??”

The string answers “No, I’m a frayed knot”

So this horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Why the long face?”

So this mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says “we don’t serve mushrooms here.” The mushroom says ” Why? I’m a fun guy”