The Page Of Puns|The Pun Starts Here! He he he!

Once upon a time in England, a very mean witch was terrorizing the local population, who finally went to see a wizard to see what could be done about her. The wizard gave them a potion that would turn the witch into a statue.

The townpeople managed to put the potion in the witch’s food. When she found out about this, she turned green with rage, but it was too late and the potion worked as expected. The jubilant population had a big celebration and parade, and placed the petrified witch in a park as a public example.

Pretty soon, people discovered that the witch had been frozen in a position that made her a perfect sundial, and started using her to tell the time of day. The custom grew and even today, people often refer to Mean Green Witch Time.

Jim Finn, the noted biologist, was stumped. He had spent months studying the little green frogs in the Keefo swamp. Despite all efforts at predator control, population was declining at an alarming rate.

Finn finally went to the chemistry department at his college to see if anyone there might be able to help. Tom looked into the problem and came up with a solution. The little frogs had succumbed to a chemical change in the swamp’s water and simply couldn’t stay coupled long enough to reproduce. Tom brewed up a new adhesive, made from a dash of this, a zoss of that and, most critically, one part sodium. “You mean…?” said Jim.

“Yes,” said Tom. “They need a mono-sodium glue to mate!”

“So, if I tie my serial communications cable into a knot, will that change the parity of the electrons?”

“Of course it won’t change. Recall that Yang and Lee got the Nobel Prize in ‘57 for showing that parity is knot-conserved.”

This guy was walking home when he saw that Metro #73 bus had crashed into a pole.

Right after he walked past it, the driver’s window opened and a mostly-eaten apple sailed out of it. He was wondering what was going on when he noticed a message scrolling across the green dot-matrix display that usually shows the route number and destination:

bus error (core dumped)

A controversy is raging this morning in the French Academy of Sciences between factions of zoologists and paleontologists. The argument centers on the identification of a fossil skull found by student naturalists doing field work near the northern French village of D’Eau-Remy. The more conservative scientists hold the majority opinion that the skull is from an extinct species of ape similar to the Barbary ape of Gibraltar which is the last living primate still found in Europe. Spokesperson for this opinion, Dr. Luke Monand of the University of Lyons stated that many types of primate roamed what is now Italy and Spain about five million years ago and it had been long theorised that some may have travelled as far as the Franco-German border country. The lesser held but more spectacular view stated by Auguste Delacorde of the Natural History Museum of Paris declares that the skull is from neither ape nor man and accepts the find as positive proof of the existence of the legendary monster known to the ancient Frankish tribes as ‘Tit-dos’ (pronounced tee-doe), in many ways similar to the North American Sasquatch and the Tibetan Yeti.

The task of identifying the fossil has been given to Drs. Hardy Froliche of the Museum of Life (Musee de la Vie) in Geneva and Isabel Deschamps of the French Academy, both are noted paleontolog ists. The European scientific community is now awaiting the answer to one of the most unusual problems ever encountered.

Did the skull belong to a well-travelled ape or is the D’Eau-Remy fossil a Tit-dos?

So this woman walks into a bar accompanied by a dog and a cow. The bartender says, “Hey, no animals are allowed in here.”

The woman replies, “These are very special animals.”

“How so?”

“They’re knot theorists.”

The bartender raises his eyebrows and says, “I’ve met a number of knot theorists who I thought were animals, but never an animal that was a knot theorist.”

“Well, I’ll prove it to you. Ask them them anything you like.”

So the bartender asks the dog, “Name a knot invariant.”

“Arf, arf” barks the dog.

The bartender scowls and turns to the cow asking, “Name a topological invariant.”

The cow says, “Mu, mu.”

At this point the bartender turns to the woman, says, “Just what are you trying to pull” and throws them out of the bar.

Outside, the dog turns to the woman and asks, “Do you think I should have said the Jones polynomial?”

I started using Windows, and now I’m all GUI!

Can an english major learn math?  Cosecant!

Schrodinger’s cat: “Mu”.

Did you hear the one about the farmer who didn’t realize he was growing crops on a former nuclear test site?

Everyone who ate his produce came down with atomic ache.