If there was ever a pun of the year award, we would like have the pope award it to the recipient during his Christmas Service, but unfortunately it would cause Mass confusion!
A father observed his son as he went to the refrigerator and pulled out a frog. He proceeded to place the frog in a cage made out of twigs. The boy then open ed a bottle of Hi-lex and started pouring it through the cage onto the frog. The father asked him, “Son, what in the world are you doing?”
“I’m trying to change this frog’s color from green to white.”
“But son, don’t you know that you can’t bleach a cold frog through sticks?”
A man and his wife are on vacation on a remote Caribbean island. The man is lying under a palm tree relaxing in the shade when his wife walks over.
“Honey,” she says, “let’s go snorkeling now. There are many fascinating sea creatures for us to see.”
To this he replies, “With fronds like these, who needs anemones?”
One day a planet is discovered out Antares way whose sole inhabitant is an enormous humanoid, three miles high and made of granite. At first it is mistaken for an immense statue left by some vanished race of giants, for it squats motionless on a yellow plain, exhibiting no outward sign of life. It has legs, but it never rises to walk on them. It has a mouth, but never eats or speaks. It has what appears to be a perfectly functional brain, the size of a condominium, but the organ lies dormant, electrochemical activity at a standstill. Yet it lives. This puzzles the hell out of the scientists, who try everything they can think of to get some sign of life from the behemoth–in vain. It just squats, motionless and seemingly thoughtless, until one day a xenobiologist, frustrated beyond endurance, screams, “How could evolution give legs, mouth and brain to a creature that doesn’t use them?”
It happens that he’s the first one to ask a direct question in the thing’s presence. It rises with a thunderous rumble to its full height, scattering the clouds, thinks for a second, booms, “IT COULDN’T, ” and squats down again.
“My god,” exclaims the xenobiologist, “of course! It only stands to reason!
A frog enters a bank, looking for a loan. He approaches the loan officer, Patty Black, and makes his request known. Taken somewhat aback, she tells him they bank doesn’t typically make loans to frogs.
“But please,” exclaims the frog, “I really need this loan.”
“Do you have any collateral?” asks Ms. Black.
“Only this,” he says. With that, the frog pulls from his pocket an object and hands it to Ms. Black. Not knowing what it was, but being too embarrassed to say so, she takes the object to the bank manager and explains about the frog and his request for a loan.
“Sir, I don’t even know what this is but it’s all he has for collateral,” she tells him.
The manager takes the objects, looks at it for a moment, hands it back and tells her, “Why, it’s a nick-knack, Patty Black, give the frog a loan!”
There were these members of a chess club all playing chess in an open entryway to their chess club building. two or three of them started bragging about how great they were at the game, when sudenly this other member got up, and threw them all out of the club. When asked why he did that he replied…
“If there’s one thing I cannot stand is chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
There was once a wise man who loved a beautiful maiden, but she lived in a marsh where his car always got stuck and, besides, her father had a gun, so he never did get close enough to tell her of his passion. However, she had a more energetic suitor who purchased amphibious tires for his car and, when her father was asleep, speedily carried her off.
Moral: Treads rush in where wise men fear to fool.
Did you hear the one about the two boll weevils? They both grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.
The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
A much-maligned character of Greek mythology, a harpy (who is half predatory bird, half woman) was flying cautiously along the precipice of a cliff, wistfully gazing at the yew forests which grew at the foot of the sheer granite. Her once-remarkable sensory powers were dulled by countless millennia. In her prime, she could clearly visualize the drops of sea foam in the beard of a distant sailor. Now, she disregarded the arrogance of puny men. Sore and bleary-eyed, she hunted safely inland, picking off young children, stray goats, and an occasional occasional madman who became lost in the forest. She looked for large objects, and those which moved through clearings were the most visible.
Fatigued by her years and with tattered feathers, she knew her end was approaching. But her hunger was merciless, a rhythmical ache. On she flew, back and forth, back and forth, hoping for a flicker of movement in the clearings below. As the winds shifted, she adjusted course to minimize the effort of her creaking wings. The boughs of the trees below shifted, and she caught a slight movement below at the edge of the yew forest.
With hope born of desperation, she wheeled in the air and dove at the source of the movement. Her stomach and gizzard quivered with anticipation as she closed with the edge of the clearing and heard the voices of young children! Though subject to many laws of nature, she was still akin to Vulcan and the other supernatural beings who had shared her world once. As the creature streaked down on a succulent toddler in the middle of the clearing, she actually glowed bright orange with the heat of intensity. For a moment she became young, vital. But the cryptic mind was devoid of that quality we call humanity. Hunger was all, and she would feast upon the flesh of young humans. What was the children’s merriment, if not a seasoning for this long-anticipated meal?
At that moment, the wind abruptly shifted again. She headed straight into a massive tree and caromed into the huge bonfire that graced the children’s celebration. The watchers were aghast, not realizing that they were only prey for the grotesque and wizened creature. Alas, the shouted warnings of the children were too late! The half-woman, half-bird sheared the tree as if it were an overripe banana and then struck the bonfire with tremendous force! Embers flew like blazing meteors in all directions. A crater yawned beneath the fire as plumes of dust and smoke shot into the air. A warning, shrieked by a chorus of young voices, was nearly swallowed by the massive explosion that boomed off the stone cliffs and through the trees..
Harpy! Yew Near!
If there was ever a pun of the year award, we would like have the pope award it to the recipient during his Christmas Service, but unfortunately it would cause Mass confusion!